Whenever children are involved in a
wedding, the engaged couple has to make a decision as to the
extent of that involvement. The choices will be determined by
the couple's own preferences and the needs of the children.
Merging two separate families is not always easy. Depending on
how it is handled, it can either be unifying for the couple or
it can add increased tension to an already difficult task. It is
important to realize that the way the issue of children is dealt
with now can influence how successful you may be in merging the
two families later.
The most important thing is for the bride and groom to
communicate and discuss with each other your feelings and
thoughts on the children's role in the wedding. The remarriage
of a parent is difficult for most children to accept. To make it
as easy as possible for children to adjust to the new situation,
you should include them in the wedding plans from the very
beginning. They should not merely be told you're getting
married, but should be made to feel they are actively involved
as participants in the planning, shopping and decision making.
Of course, every situation is different. Some children may
choose not to become involved, and that's okay. What's important
is to make them feel very special during this hectic time, when
they could easily feel neglected.
If the bride and groom decide not to have the children involved
in the actual ceremony, there are a number of other ways to
include them in the wedding festivities. Finding some way of
participating for each child will minimize the fear of being
excluded.
The following are some ideas:
- They should be the first to be told the exciting
engagement news. It's best they hear it from you, and not
someone else.
- The bride and groom should discuss ahead of time the type
and degree of the children's participation with which you're
comfortable. Avoid disagreements and hurt feelings.
- Consider including them in the bridal party as
bridesmaids, best man, usher, flower girl or ring bearer.
- Ask for their help in specific areas. Take them shopping
and ask their opinions.
- Include the children in a "special ceremony" within the
wedding ceremony.
Among those special ceremonies are:
Circle of Acceptance: This ceremony is a nice way to
incorporate children into the ceremony. The children are called
up to the altar. With their parent, the officiant, and new
stepparent, they hold hands to form a circle. The officiant says
that he realizes the children have had the undivided love and
attention of their parent, and that it may be difficult to
accept someone else into the family circle. They are reminded
that now they have the love and support of both their parent and
the new stepparent. He suggests that, in the future, they should
reflect back on this moment to help them overcome any difficult
times. The officiant then states, "Your parents wish to seek
your blessing and support..."; at that moment the children are
asked to express their acceptance.
The Family Medallion Ceremony: The Family Medallion is a
symbol demonstrating that parents and stepparents intend to be
faithful to the children brought together by remarriage. It was
created by the Rev. Roger Coleman out of his experience as a
clergy person performing wedding ceremonies, often with children
present. The Family Medallion is an attractive necklace given to
children during the wedding. This unique symbol has three raised
circles on its face. Two circles represent the marriage union,
while the third symbolizes the importance of children within the
marriage. Because the Family Medallion represents family love in
the same way the wedding ring signifies conjugal love, it has
become a universal symbol for family relationships. After the
newlyweds exchange vows, the children of both spouses are
invited to the altar. During a brief ceremony, the couple places
a Family Medallion around the neck of each child, as they pledge
to love and support all the children either spouse brings to the
marriage. This ceremony, "Celebrating the New Family," is easily
adapted to any wedding tradition.
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